What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" “We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. “It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What did he say?" "He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'" Edit: Thank you for the gold.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
How dense the population is How dense the population is
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
I was told to post this here
this here
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
Is this sub still active?
There hasn’t been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
I walked by a store with a sign that said “Television $1- volume stuck on full”
I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl…
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."