What were the final words of the pirate who died taking a piss?
R I P
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
https://ift.tt/36At2xd
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
Irishman and the Priest
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'' The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'' This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?'' ''A new woman in the neighborhood,'' the sinner replied. ''Very well,'' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ''Is that Nookie Green?'' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ''No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
Why was Batman in a hurry?
He had to go to the Batroom.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
Asked my bud what he’d do if the 1st Amendment was abolished.
He couldn't say
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
When your project had 300+ bugs, but insted of correcting them you make 300+ workarounds
https://ift.tt/2Q7RSOP
Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.