What will you sacrifice for the added comfort of billionaires and their generational wealth inheritors?
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
A black boy walks into the kitchen…
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
A Texan walks into an Irish bar…
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf