What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
This playstore thing. Never gonna keep up with them. That’s why people look apple.
https://ift.tt/2NJO8lF
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!