What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn’t autocorrect… EDIT: In case you haven’t noticed, this is a repost. I’m not trying to cover it up, I don’t care. Just wanted to put it out there so the constant spam of comments calling me out on it can let up for a bit.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
Knock knock
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
This will probably get deleted because it’s not a clean joke, but I wanted to say thanks.
Two weeks ago a dear friend went into the hospital on bed rest with preeclampsia in hopes of keeping her baby in utero a little longer. To keep her cheered, I visited r/cleanjokes every day and sent her jokes throughout the day. She had her little preemie today … only 3 pounds but healthy. My friend told me she really looked forward to the jokes … and I found all of them here. So thank you to all of you who helped keep her cheered while she gave her precious baby more time.
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
Why do birds fly in a V-shape?
because it takes too long to walk in a V-shape