What’s a communist’s favorite unit of time?
Hours
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” – Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!” – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Why was Batman in a hurry?
He had to go to the Batroom.