What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
Just five more minutes.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
I never met herbivore.
No text found
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
You need it to go skydiving TWICE.
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
…you can run but you can't hide!
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first case of kid knee stones.
When you’re eating a watermelon.
In the pant-ry
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
You can only ran, because it's past tents
But hey, it's in my genes.
As it stands, no.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
Is that you coffin?
Dinner is on me
I hope I can pull it off.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
It's much nicer having some company.
I have to tell someone about this because I’m at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they’re to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!…..IT WAS TRIX!