What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
Youβre good, how am I?
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny. But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too." It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it. You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me. In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter. This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends united and bonded over how corny your dad was. Your friends stopped caring about trying to impress your dad and each other the second he ordered boneless cheese sticks with a big stupid grin. Corny dads make themselves lightning rods for cringiness so the lightning doesn't strike someone else. Source
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi's
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and Iβm completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
Iβm trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but Iβm having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.
I drew a 90Β° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch…he delivered!
https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.