What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
i lost my mood ring this morning
i don’t really know how to feel about that
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Why don’t dolphins have legs?
It would de-feet the whole porpoise…
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” > The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
No wonder Finland won so many Formula 1 races…
They owned the Finnish line.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
Why did Disney make frozen 2?
Because they couldn't let it go
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.