What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
Djibouti
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
I was at a party and every one had a cold.
Yo it was sick!
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when
she fell onto the floor. She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
I have many jokes about unemployed people,
sadly none of them work.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital 1 week later Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital? Student: Yes, he is a doctor
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on!