What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Frankly, your service provider.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.
They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equipment is not as great as the FBI’s but they still look very prepared. After two days, upon finding no rabbits, they conclude that there is no rabbit, there never was, and everybody was lying to them from the start. Finally, the KGB go in. Everyone is afraid for them, as they are going in with nothing but a couple traps and a baseball bat. However, to everyone’s surprise, two days later, the KGB come out with a bear, who is bloody and bruised. One of the members pokes the bear in the stomach and the bear starts screaming, “I AM A RABBIT!”
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan…
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
A Roman walks into a bar…
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
Sperm bank
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
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The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
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