What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
A mathamachicken
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in
He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us
What would a boner at a funeral be called?
Mourning wood
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD