What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
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The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote so he gives them a test.
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have." Then he proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?", he asks. "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?", asks the father. "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping, "how were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
Is was working overtime.
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1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
I've got two half sisters.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
I said go stand in the corner it's 90 degrees
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
An Impasta (First post here)
She's a nightmare
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
Well the flag is a big plus
He used HeHelium
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
You take away its broom.
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
It’s something I could always see myself doing
Because they’re a pane to replace.
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…