What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
What do you call a deaf dog?
Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.