What’s an opticians favourite time of the day?
20:20
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
Everybody is shocked….
When they realize I’m not an electrician.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”