What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
#textblob #python #translator Spell Checker & Languages Translator pro…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcgtoxRXnRk&feature=share
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
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Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
![Chaplin + Chopin (sound on) [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-170-400x247.png)
![How did I miss THIS award ceremony?! [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/k3pnojn1xog41-400x430.jpg)
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.” He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?” He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
A farmer has three daughters…
Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand. The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?” The farmer took a good look at the boy, took him as alrighty, and sent the two off. The next boy came by. Again the farmer waited in anticipation. The next boy goes: “Hi I’m Bo, lookin’ for Jo. We’re planning on Moe’s for the picture show, she set to go?” The farmer thought this boy to be alright as well and sent the two off. The farmer waits for the third boy. “Hi I’m Buck-“ Bang the farmer shot him.
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
