What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?
Because they single file to hide their numbers.
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
I bought my friends an elephant for their room
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
/r/teenagers/comments/f2yg7u/it_is_interesting_to_realise_that_the_indian_gods/
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.