What’s happening to him?
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
Nympho on a plane
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Another film has been released about a barrier in India.
It's a Sikh wall.
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.