What’s hitlers second name?
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
We should take some direction from Canada on this…
/* This is way too accurate */
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Finally caught one
Super scary programming joke
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
Found in a recent copy of The New Yorker.
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
This was actually good
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
Found on my aunt’s facebook
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
Damn! Quora it hurts
A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
Probably 99% of all programmers
Ugh I like Kurtis Colban I big sad ok
Lets split some water
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
Neutrons at 150km/s be hittin’ different
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
These 2 things are as self evident as their nationalism is white
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
Yes, very interesting…
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
Loading in third perspective
They aren’t wrong though
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Tired of dropdowns? Try our new pixel art country selector!
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
New vs Old tupperware
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
A day seems like a century
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
When the product manager has a request
Anti-vax meme my mom sent me
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
He has learned his lesson
I’m sure they won’t do it again
They go out of hand sometimes
Pretty gourmet shit he’s done here
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
Truth, as someone who lives in the middle
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.