What’s it called when something bad happens to Travis
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
NSFW I once got my ex’s name tattooed on my penis…
Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft. One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell. He replied: "nah bro it says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day"
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a–base
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
My dad told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”
Great man, terrible geologist
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
