What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
There’s this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.
Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only– he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid. One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student. Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden. Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor– "What's her name?" He asked a friend. "Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye." Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom. Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?" Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so." This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape. So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape. Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad. "Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal. After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door– but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission. "Tommy, I wanted to ask you something… Would you go to prom with me?" Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second– the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied, "Oh wood eye, wood eye!" Sally was offended and crushed him. The moral of the story: Stop while you're a head.
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink…
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish…
The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?" Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!" POOF She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy. The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?" Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!" POOF Away she went! The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?" With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?" The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!" And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands. Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
One good thing came from Corona. I got gas for a 1.39 today.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision