What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for you”
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
What’s the difference between an American teenage girl and an Arabian teenage girl?
The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
Damn you, autocorrect
Damn you to he’ll
Ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well Well Well
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colors?
It had a reptile dysfunction.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”