What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my wife’s killer
but no one will do it
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
