What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
A farmer friend of mine
used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
I got heartburn from eating my cake
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it."
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
What’s the definition of a will?
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
A married couple are lying in bed one night…
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"? His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says, "No, not at all". His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
https://ift.tt/3dPzkNv
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…
The Minneapolis?
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
