Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Legalize gay marijuana
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
The peanut butter to my jelly is gone.
The creation of motivation
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
noise pollution sucks bro
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
Expert software development
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
Ho Ho No
Me as a hardware guy
When help() is useless in Python
Yeah you can obviously break into CIA servers in 30 seconds
The same woman
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
Haha… Oh yeah
Force pushes in a nutshell
Why are snails allowed on ships?
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
Some image corruption, or hidden fish language…you decide
Grumpy Old Man
Mom is never wrong
Do that count ?
I know you laughed
I’ve gone and confused the words ‘Yakuza’ with ‘Jacuzzi’
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What is an opinion without 3.14?
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
Gahan Wilson environmental regret cartoon
Lowkey I almost feel bad for those jerks
Part of my dad’s Twitter notifications. (Sorry if it breaks rule 1.)
Google’s persistence is admirable
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
“Nobody knows how to build like me”
LOL web devs go brrr
Sent to me from my girlfriend’s stepdad
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .” “Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.” As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.” “Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.” “Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.” “More'n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?” “Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
My friend thinks this is funny
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
What do you call a fat psychic
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now. Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really… Bartender: What about that eye patch? Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye. Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit? Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.
Honestly a God tier meme
GCSEs are fun
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Whatever you do, don’t let anybody walk over you.
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
Came for the Women. Stayed for the Space Race.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
Firefox Crash Log
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
I stole this three years ago. Probably from here. Anyway, here it is again.