What’s red and bad for your teeth.
A house brick.
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.
The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle. They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years," said the man. After spending a few days on the island, the man realized that he was unlikely ever to see a woman again. "From now on," he thought, "I will have to do it with my cow." The man lowered his pants. He ran towards the cow. But the dog jumped onto the cow's back. He growled at the man. The man backed off. He put his pants back on. The dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. Again, the man lowered his pants. Again, he ran towards the cow. Again, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. Again, he growled at the man. Again, the man backed off. Again, he put his pants back on. Again, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. For the third time, the man lowered his pants. For the third time, he ran towards the cow. For the third time, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. For the third time, he growled at the man. For the third time, the man backed off. For the third time, he put his pants back on. For the third time, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. The man was about to lower his pants a fourth time, when a huge, hairy monster jumped out from behind a bush. The beast looked like a cross between a lion and a gorilla that was the size of an elephant. He chased the man and his companions through the jungle. Finally, the monster had the man, the dog, and the cow cornered. The man closed his eyes and waited for the beast to kill him. Suddenly, he felt something grab him, and the next instant he was flying through the air. When the man opened his eyes, he was sitting safely in a tree with a woman who was holding a vine. He figured that the woman must have rescued him. The woman swung back down on the vine and rescued the dog and even the cow, and carried them into the tree. Then she jumped down from the tree and effortlessly killed the enormous monster. After the woman lowered the other three from the tree, the man took a good look at her. She was completely naked, and very beautiful. She also had some pretty impressive muscles, which somehow made her even more beautiful. The man was so stunned, all he could say was, "You…you saved our lives." "Were you on a cruise?" she asked. "Yes," said the man. "So was I," said the woman. "When I was five years old, I was on a cruise with my family. Then the ship sank, and I was the only one to survive. I swam to this island, and it wasn't long before I had my first narrow escape from one of those huge monsters. I had to make myself strong in order to survive here." "You are the first human I have seen in fifteen years, and I would be willing to do anything for you." The man looked at the beautiful, naked woman with a sly grin on his face. "Anything?" he asked. "Oh, yes!" said the woman. "In that case," said the man, "would you take my dog here for a walk?"
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
Time flies like an arrow,
and fruit flies like a banana.
Support feudalism!
It's your count who votes!
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
A young boy enters a barber shop…
…and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage
I lost my case
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk “Hi. I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert
After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-" The wall shatters.
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts