What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent. So to save him some trouble, he tucked it in double, and so instead of coming, he went. Do limericks count as jokes?
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.
She's my cross aunt.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."