What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11.
My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]
His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight
“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope! In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began writing in the answers. "This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords!” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?” The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He thought within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, “I believe, Your Holiness, that you’re looking for the word, 'aunt’.” “Of course!” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set
What do you call a color that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast." The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day there’s a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, “Mr Driver I haven’t had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?” The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. “Boss. We have a problem here.” “What is it?” says his boss. The trooper explains he’s stopped a limo for speeding. “You know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? I’ve caught a big fish”. “Well who is it man?!” exclaims the sergeant. “He’s a big fish!” says the trooper! “Well who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!” “Bigger fish than that!” says the trooper. “Tell me who it is! Is it a senator?!” “Bigger!” “The governor?!” “BIGGER!!” “Tell me or I’ll have your badge officer!!!” SCREAMS the sergeant! “I don’t know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!”
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."