What’s the best part about living in Switzerland

A pithon Happy pi day

A swallow.

A konichiwahua

They come with an Elon Musk.

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Does discount?

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Because I let them cry on my shoulder.

I halve.

ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ

but he's still making fun of me.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?" To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"

Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.

…but Quasimodo has a hunch.

and fruit flies like a banana.

his funfair is next monkey

Its the Gregorian calendar

A tractor.

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I’m in for an intense vowel movement later

Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"

Icy dead people.

Not Happy.

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An internship.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..

Because communication is key.

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

I’ll only be telling inside jokes

Being ugly every day sucks.

With a sea saw

My dick

The outside.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."

The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in". ​ ​ ​

An investigator

I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 ​ Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. ​ Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" ​ Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" ​ Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. ​ Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" ​ John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." ​ Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" ​ Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." ​ Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" ​ John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." ​ Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." ​ After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. ​ Jim Bob "What are these things for?" ​ Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." ​ They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. ​ About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… ​ Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" ​ John Boy "No." ​ Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" ​ Thank again for cheering me up 🙂