What’s the best part of having two agus’s?
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm
So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks. The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad." The second oldest son comes back 5 hours later and says "well dad, I got 5 dollars, a basket of apples, and a basket of oranges." To which the dad replies "very good son!" The youngest son is having trouble selling his duck so he decides to just give it away to the first person he sees. He's walking past a brothel and sees a nice looking hooker and asks her "you want a free duck?" She is confused but says yes and then asks him if he wants a free session for it, and he accepts. After they get done she says that he was so good she wants to go again, and he says sure but only if he can have his duck back. She agrees, they go again, and he walks out with his duck. On his way home a car coming down the road startles the duck, it flies into the road and gets hit. The man driving the car hops out and starts freaking out and says "I'm so sorry! Here's 20 bucks for your duck!" the boy takes the money and heads home leaving the duck on the side of the road. When he gets home the father says "wow you've been gone a long time! What did you get for your duck?" The son says "a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
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Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE Y’ALL!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing