What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive
"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!" "Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist. "Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
A guy starts at a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
There is a petition circulating on Twitter and Facebook calling on Canada to invade the US.
https://ift.tt/2UE9G6i
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today