What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
When you see your Gurt
Yo, Gurt!
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.