What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says…
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder and asks, "Honey, please…just one more time, before I die." She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…" At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!"
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
![[OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/mix984y2num41.gif)
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No…But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
A story with a happy ending
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the Main stream.
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Mating Bull
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too." They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
