What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day there’s a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, “Mr Driver I haven’t had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?” The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. “Boss. We have a problem here.” “What is it?” says his boss. The trooper explains he’s stopped a limo for speeding. “You know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? I’ve caught a big fish”. “Well who is it man?!” exclaims the sergeant. “He’s a big fish!” says the trooper! “Well who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!” “Bigger fish than that!” says the trooper. “Tell me who it is! Is it a senator?!” “Bigger!” “The governor?!” “BIGGER!!” “Tell me or I’ll have your badge officer!!!” SCREAMS the sergeant! “I don’t know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!”
I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
No text found
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
It all
The title says it all.
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
I just ate 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
It was Won Ton
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
A young Irish girl goes to confession…
…and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.” The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?” “NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
![[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/no_image_card-91-400x247.png)
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
The best part about Islamic sex dolls
Is they can blow themselves up
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
