What’s the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak?
February 14th
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all…..
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
A young man goes to confession
He says "Father, I have sinned." The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?" The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend" Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally" "But Father, that's not the worst of it. They were twin sisters" "Son, I can see you're feeling guilty, but I'm sure you can atone…" "I'm not done, Father. They were only 18" "Son, legally and in the eyes of God…" "They were virgins, from Sweden. Blonde. They barely spoke a word of English and I took advantage of them!" The priest is getting a little flustered now "Ok, well, it's going to take some serious prayer and reflection on your sins to make your peace with the Lord." The young man continues "But Father, it was in my girlfriend's bed, while she was at the hospital visiting her sick mother" Before the priest can say anything, the young man continues: "It went on for hours. My God, they were so beautiful, I took them in turns, and both at the same time, it was wild. We fucked in the bed, on the floor, in the shower, on the kitchen bench, and then when my girlfriend walked in, I just kept going. They were insatiable…" The priest, now getting upset, says "Son, stop!" But the man continues "…I got it on video, so I can keep it for whenever I want to see it, and I can show it to my friends, and hey, do you want to see it?" The priest yells "Stop! No! I don't want to see it! Goddamit, what kind of Catholic are you?!" The man replies "I'm not a Catholic" Perplexed, the priest asks "…Then why come to church, why are you in confession? Why are you telling me all this?" "Dude… I'm telling everyone!"
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.
He does a few online courses and begins trading. On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money in his newfound hobby and sticks with it. On the third day, Sting manages a huge profit and decides to reward himself with an expensive Rolls Royce. With his newfound love of trading stocks, Sting decides to put even more of his money into trading, and continues on with it. On the fourth day, high on the previous day's earnings, Sting buys a large amount of unstable stock, putting most of his wealth into it, sure that it is a good wager. The following day a huge news story breaks of embezzlement in the company Sting invested in and its stock drops, losing the musician a huge amount of his money. The following week, he hears a large car pulling into his driveway, and he exits his house to see what this was about. In his driveway he sees a tow truck hooking up to his brand new Rolls Royce, about to be repossessed. "What is going on?" He shouts at the driver and as the driver turns around, he reveals himself to be a Buddhist monk. "A monk?" Sting asks surprisedly. "Why would you be working for a repossession company?" "Well," the monk begins. "You won't believe the amount of karma you can get for repo, Sting."
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https://ift.tt/3dek1hh
Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.