What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station
The other is a busty crustacean
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
Did you hear about the new movie βConstipationβ?
It Hasnβt come out yet. But Critics are saying itβs crap. And thereβs a sequel…. βNumber 2β
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
My mate keeps buying cars
Heβs got car owner virus
Why havenβt aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
Whatβs an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, βAre you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?β
βYes Iβm taking photos of her,β I replied, βBut itβs not what you think.β βSo what is it then?β she asked. I said, βIts a OnePlus.β
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
https://ift.tt/3dek1hh
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
Congratulations are in order
aacgilnnoorsttu
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion…
…they say he will be given a tough sentence
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
A magician was asked what had happened to the lady he used to saw in half in his act …
βOh, sheβs retired,β he said. βNow she lives in Chicagoβand Denver.β … (Credit: This comes from the βRandom Thoughtsβ chapter at the end of βThe Thomas Sowell Readerβ – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldnβt stop getting high on quack
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, βDaddy! Daddy! Guess how old Iβll be in August!β I said, βOh I donβt know princess, why donβt you tell me?β She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
Itβs now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still wonβt say where she got them…
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
nothing tops a plain hotdog
No text found
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
A long time ago I read this joke I found so good I wrote it down. I found this note today
Disclaimer: This joke involves gender-based humour and don't actually reflect the my viewpoint about either gender. So there was this billionare, very sucessful enterpreneur, that decided to invest a large chunk of his funds in a new business: The Husband Shop The Husband Shop is a 6-floor building, each containing an assortment of husbands bearing more or less the same characteristics, however the next floor has a costier but better selection. So, this Lady goes to visit the shop and she sees this at the first floor: "At The Husband Shop we strive to present to you the very best in man. This Floor has 100% loyal men". Quite pleased with what she sees, she goes to the next one and it says: "This Floor 100% loyal men and they are very handsome!". She investigates further, and on the third floor she sees: "This floor has 100% loyal men, and they are handsome and romantic!" On the fourth floor she finds: "This floor has 100% loyal men, which are also very handsome, romantic and great with kids!" The fifth floor had the following: "This floor has 100% loyal men, all of them are very handsome, romantic, great with kids and they'll rock your world in the bed every time!" She was absolutely amazed by what they had put together, and she knew they had the best for last, so she found this: "Congratulations! You are the 4,986,221th visitor this year! Sorry, there are no husbands in this floor. We regret to inform we abandoned "The Husband Shop" development as we realized women were nearly impossible to please". ————————————————— BONUS JOKE In order to appeal to both genders (and alleviate the uproar of sexism accusations), the billionare made "The Wife Shop", and they put a lot more effort this time around. Since the other business became so famous because of the unusual service, a reporter did some digging, and he came back with this: "Upon arriving 'The Wife Shop', or TWS, the costumer is immediatly greeted by an employee that will explain the concept of the business and will acompany Him or Her through the floors, in the same method they used on The Husband Shop. The First Floor says: Welcome to The Wife Shop! We keep our promise to strive for excellency, but this time it's all about finding you your perfect wife! This floor has the most gourgeous women you'll ever find. The second floor says: "This floor has absolutely gorgeous women and they are all incredible in the bedroom. The 4 remaining floors are yet to be visited".
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take