What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster!
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
A new element was discovered!
Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction. They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans. They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses. They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade. And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible. “What if it only explodes when it’s really cold?” Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react. Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of 0 K, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench. As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, “so what do we name this newfound element?”. Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion… “0 K Boomer”
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.
Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?” “For how much?” The businessman asks. “1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says. “1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him. “I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!” “Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly. “Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out! “What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.” The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?” “I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a cheque, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind. After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears. “What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman. “I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly. The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly: “M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.
The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night." "That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!" "No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the water. "Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied. The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man asked. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?"
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. “Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? “What, are you lying?” “Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son” Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level. “Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?” Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. “That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!” Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
