What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
Naming every computer ever
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
No one ever:
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
Old but #FFD700
Because allergies and intolerances make you a panzy
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
What Minecraft components are in physics
She didnt marry him for his looks or personality, that’s for damn sure
Vote for me!
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
Back End Developer doing CSS
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
We often forget about these heroes
I am a scientist myself
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
Ding ding ding!, 38% of Americans
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
Found on an Instagram meme page
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
My pupper people need me!
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
Haha boy like phone
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
“I like to obey the law”
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Oh yea chemical enhanced fun time
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
Don’t be like him. Don’t drink the bleach!
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
Honestly, stars dont give a shit about 14 y/o girls
Spot The Foreign Agent
BUT BILL CLINTON!!!
This is a true story
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
Daddy is home
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
Realized today that about 50% of my father’s texts are r/boomershumor
Lockdown is giving my mum too much time to browse memes
Seems pretty accurate…
It’s all starting to make sense.
I bet it’s the mother
Friends: quarantine edition