What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Bert: Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: Sure Bert!
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be a mass confusion.
Irish Prostitute
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but it’s already been changed three times today.
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Why does Frankenstein’s monster have such a good sense of humor?
Because he's always in stitches!
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.
The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. 😌
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”