What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
Addition polymers obviously only occur across double bonds.
Every time the GOP starts talking about cutting taxes on the rich.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen
Train station in England knows how to properly number its platforms
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
C++ is Dead…Happy Halloween!
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
I may be able to program but I can’t title
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
Apply topical cream to burnt area
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
battle of importance!!
No one born before the 80s uses an iPhone
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that??
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
When you finally get your microservice orchestration just right
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
This “official notice” I mailed to my hoarder mother (x post from r/pics)
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
ED is hilarious, apparently
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
Ignorance is bliss.
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
Ask not what you can do
Time to play golf.
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
Get Over It
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
Adults and emojis
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
Mmmm cool ranch 😍😍😍
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
Debugging at it’s finest
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
I saw a group of isis soldiers crying today
It's a crisis
I was in a taxi when the driver said..
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”
Multicore programming be like
Practicing what you preach is only for losers
Please don’t fact check the lies I tell
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
haha phone bad
Sad but true
Online coding bootcamp image vs reality
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.