What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me. URGENTLY!
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
I saw a man with a clock on his belt today.
I thought “What as waist of time!”.
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC