What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
Just two palms and no dates.
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
The Times are rough
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
so I can watch it with my family.
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
Because you can’t C in the dark
He cleaned up his act
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said “Oh look. They have tongue depressers.” He says “Those won’t work on me.” I asked why and he says…
"I'm on antidepressants." He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it
Cop: It was a moving violation.
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
He's alright now
By removing the S.
The high C.
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
You won’t get a weigh with this!
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
This post was made by science gang 😎
At the drop of a hat!
It was really eye-opening