What’s the difference between a “male” and a “female”?
Iron.
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.
He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish. The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the map back and says, "I'm sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?" The guy thinks and says, "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "Let me see that map again."
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
I’m amazed by dry-erase boards…
They’re remarkable.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
No text found
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there wtf
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault, Ebola wasn’t Obama’s, Sars wasn’t Bush’s
And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
My Hungarian boss’ favorite joke
In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village. The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door. "Please madam," says our spy in perfect Russian, "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay." "Well you can't stay here," says Babushka. "You are an American spy." Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this." And he dances his perfect kalinka. "You dance well," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I can prove it for certain." He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing. "You hold your vodka," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." "Alright," sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka – how did you know I'm an American spy?" "You are black."
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies…
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”