What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
A cop walks up to a lawyer…
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
If one person has to go to the bathroom, they have to pee
If two or more people have to go to the bathroom, they have to queue
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, they just waved. Sea what I did there? Im Shore you did, but can’t kelp it but laugh
My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
Today my son asked for a book mark, I burst into tears
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
The boss with no ears
Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, flustered, “You have no ears.” The boss says, “Get the hell out of here.” The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man pauses, anxious, sweating – finally he says, “You have no ears.” The boss says, even angrier, “Get the hell out of here!” The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, “That you wear contacts.” The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, “No one has ever noticed. How did you know?” The man says, “Well you can’t wear glasses, you have no ears.”
