What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
Not everyone of you, of course.
Because he was feeling crumby.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
I haven’t heard from him since
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
I'll let you know.
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
It’s usually the other way around.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
Because they are neigh-sayers
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
A light snack
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
we can use coughy filters
Hey! That's a salt!
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
It May, Fri 10 you
Remains to be seen.
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
I suppose I should have asked why