What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig
The F.
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church’s stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head. One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name. The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
What’s a priest’s favorite type of video game?
Early-access
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
I hate it when they say, “white people can’t dance”…
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
I am addicted to brake fluid
But I can stop whenever I want.
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
What does a house wear?
Address
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?” And they answer: “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.