What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man in on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle
Attire
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
I raised my left leg before the new year started…
…so I could start it off on the right foot. 🤮 Happy new year!
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
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My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I said, “No. I have Stranger Things to watch.”
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
How do you get a Redditor to click a post?
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I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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