What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man in on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle
Attire
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
It makes my heart race when my girlfriend rests her head on my leg during long road trips
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
What’s the best way to overcome depression?
Love it, so it leaves you as well.
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
I was going to type down a cashier joke
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!” She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.
What do you call a beehive that has no exits?
Un-bee-leavable
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..