What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
I went in my son’s room today and told him he was adopted. He said “I knew it, who are my parents?”
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples’ crotch
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
