What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire
NSFW I once got my ex’s name tattooed on my penis…
Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft. One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell. He replied: "nah bro it says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day"
Time flies like an arrow,
and fruit flies like a banana.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
I met a cow who really didn’t want to pay
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
A lorry carrying LEGO bricks overturned on the motorway.
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
When is a hen just following the letter W
No text found
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
My mate said he’d seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
What’s the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
