What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle
Attire
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Gay jokes aren’t funny.
Cum on guys.
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club…
It was open Mike night.
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the hoast ask the other two : How do you split your money with the Lord ? "I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest. The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" . "How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest. I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church…..
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, "It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.” He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?” He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
Remember when cosmetic surgery was a very taboo subject?
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." Jim stared at him. "You some kind of faggot, Bob?"
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.