What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
They think they’re hilarious don’t they
Yikes, maybe they know something..
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
You gotta keep ‘em separated
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
The Care Bear they didn’t tell you about. Chlamydia Bear
Was this his original plan?
Just Project Manager things!!!!
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
I was told I should post this here.
I’m a businessman.
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
How dense the population is How dense the population is
This is a Mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
As if she sleeps anywhere near him now.
Proud of me
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
I love my sub minimum pay part time job.
One good thing came from Corona. I got gas for a 1.39 today.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
Seizing the means of production
Prepare for the ApOcALyPsE
Here lies an interesting title. 💀👻
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
Flip-Flops: the Classical Edition
Bursting into blamegames
“Philanthropic” billionaires be like…
How is that legal?
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
this is what it looks like when someone is thinking really hard on an exam!
Gotta look for all traffic
My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, “1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.”
“It was quite a hectic evening.”
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.
When You Proud to be a Good Programmer
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
Well, that hurts.
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
four hours and counting
What is air?
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
don’t be a dinosaur and text
no kidding, this is my school’s website. Even phpmyadmin is still there
Good one, dude.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
the shitpost complexities
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
found this in my imgur fav’s, still think it occurs often, shared it..
Unstable moron …
“Pretty great thanks, how’s everything with you?”
Wholesome for the Holidays
behind every great developer there’s ….
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
Code Compiled Successfully!
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.