What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
They never get them
He said "wii"
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
He keeps a log.
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
Let's go ride bikes!
I can’t wait to see them all
It’s pretty dope
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
But they're a solid #2
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
No text found
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
They each got 6 months
Because it is two gross.