What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
Its like I had never seen herbivore
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
Because they’re a pane to replace.
… he made a bolt for the door.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
There’s way too much sax and violins
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
I thought, how dairy
There was nothing left but de Brie
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
When the punch line is a parent
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
Your Pupils. They dilate.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
It was Khanage.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
Because it has two shifts
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
It was actually an apple.
He had reptile dysfunction
He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”